Post-apocalypse video games, tv series and movies, and comics are great forms of escapism. Whether or not it involves zombies is more of a preference but ultimately only adds an element of horror to any already horrible situation. Anyone who partakes in this genre is outright lying if they say they never thought about how they would fare in such a situation. And most of us probably think we’d do better than reality would dictate, because the gap between the television and real world is stark.  I have on illusions on my chances to make it; 50/50 at best.

Since I’m a gaming nerd, let’s break down some basic stats that I have for beginning my campaign of Real Fucking World where there is no electricity, society has collapsed, and pockets of humanity are outnumbered by those who are hell bent on taking out everyone else. The following eight attributes, valued between 1 and 10, I think constitute a well-rounded chart.

Strength, Stamina, Dexterity, Charisma, Mechanical Aptitude, Medical, Weapons, Overall Survival

Strength – 7
I hit the gym regularly, and do as many body weight exercises as possible so I know my overall strength in relation to my weight. Pull-ups and pushups are essential if you’re going to be lifting yourself or climbing over walls, many of which will probably require a running start to reach. It helps I’m naturally tall so as to not look like a pushover. The possiblity of carrying someone out of harm’s way could occur at any time, and suddenly doubling your body weight for a certain distance running or walking fast can be grueling.

However, I’m not as strong as I could be. I probably have too much muscle for what would be considered essential for life on the go. Dropping 15-20 lbs. would make me look thinner without being emaciated, but my strength-per-pound ratio would be higher. And also requireing less calories would be a bonus in a world where your next meal is not guaranteed.

Stamina – 7
Obstacle runs have provided me with the only valid excuse I need to run on a consistent basis. I run 3-5 miles on any given day, though sometimes less if going for overall speed. It also helps that I have played soccer my whole life, and my long legs are suited well for bumpy terrain or wide gaps to jump. Having run a couple of Tough Mudders (10+ miles) certainly proves to myself that I can suck it up when necessary.

As much as I hate to admit, Crossfit training would be perfect here but ONLY if combined with distance running. Together, you’d have an amazing capaity for both fast and slow twitch muscle fibers. In fact, hardcore backpackers or those who participate in Triathlons are going to be the best at endurance. No comparison.

Dexterity – 8
I am coupling this attribute along with agility for an overall ability to maneuver through tight spotsthat may involve fence scaling, downed tree leaping, rapelling along a narrow ledge, running down a steep incline full of loose gravel or rocks, etc. Massive amounts of hand/eye coordination as well as limber joints can make the difference between having your ass bitten by a Rottweiler and living for another day. While I have taken martial arts, I don’t feel it’s nearly as useful when you live in an age of people using weapons for everyday living; it’s only a good technique when you’re close enough to them.

I can credit obstacle runs with adding to my being able to navigate barbed wire, mud pits, walls, slippery planks, and tunnels into cold water fairly well. This only works for more natural terrain in general, though. For urban landscapes, if you know parkour you certainly have an edge. If it came down to my life by jumping across to another building rooftop that’s 20 feet away and 15 feet below, not knowing parkour I may make it, but I’ll most likely shatter a knee, ankle, or hip since I don’t know how land properly from that velocity. At that point, I’m as good as dead.

Charisma – 6
Whether it’s surviving a possible bad confrontation with a hothead or seeking shelter with strangers, being affable and likable is going to take you a long way. As a general rule, I get along with everyone, even people I just met. Nor do I come off as threatening or malicious, which helps when a world without societal taboos or civility treats everyone with undue suspicion.

But… I am not a wordsmith. I am generally a terrible liar and horrible at on-the-spot conversation when it calls for something creative. So, this knocks me down a few pegs. “Cake or death?” “Death. No, wait, cake!” “Ah, but you already said death.”

Mechanical Aptitude – 2
I am not a machinist, engineer, or even remotely a person who gets machines. Hotwire a car? Nope. Build a makeshift antennae radio? Not likely. Essentially, I’m fucked in this regard. If it involves colored wires or gears or moving parts in general I’m out of luck. So I won’t even bother.

Medical – 5
I do know the basics of cleaning, setting, and wrapping a wound. I am trained in CPR. Urine is sterile. So, in this respect so long as nothing egregious occurs…

…until someone’s leg gets trapped where a bear’s should have been. Or they lose an arm at the elbow to some high-velocity hollow tip bullet. Profuse bleeding will kill them in minutes, if not render them unconscious in seconds. Cauterize the wound? Probably, if I had sufficient heat and they could stand the pain. Stop the flow of blood with a tourniquet? Most likely, though it may only prolong their death depending on the severity.

Poisoning, internal or external, I’m at a loss for the most part. The best thing I know is to use calamine lotion. What about nurotoxins? Sorry, brah, you have minutes to live.

Weapons – 5
Again, here I’m average. I can use a bow and arrow, fire pistols well. I’m a decent marksman, actually, once I get practice in. But I’m not fast in their use by any standard. Knives and swords not so much, but I’m no Michonne.

As Grey Fox says, “Only a fool trusts his life to a weapon.” and that’s certainly true. I’m rusty in hand-to-hand combat, but muscle memory comes back very quickly. I’m entirely screwed, though, if I fall into a den of MMA fighters.

Overall Survival – 6
If anything, luck plays the biggest role in survival at times. But it helps to certainly be prepared. I’m no doomsday prepper, but I’m not naive to how fragile modern day conveniences are. The recent surge in both natural and manmade catastrophes should make everyone worry even a  little.

If shit were to go down, I have most of my family less than a hundred miles in any direction with plenty of side roads to avoid the catastrophic toll that highways would suffer with the panicked. Emergency hand cranked tools are at my ready, and the initial adrenaline rush to get the hell outta harm’s way.